IF you go down
to the multiplex today, you’re sure of there being no surprises.
Because when it comes down to it,
Ted, the first live action
feature film from Family
Guy creator Seth MacFarlane, is one
fantastic joke stretched extremely thin for 106 minutes.
And yet, it is pointless to point this out,
because every male (between the ages of 18 and 35) there ever there was,
will gather there for certain because, today’s the day the smutty bear
jokes about dick.
As already stated, the premise of Ted is
actually rather genius, and that’s what makes the complete lack of
originality in its delivery all the more disappointing.
The story, by MacFarlane and Family Guy writers
Alec Sulkin and Wellesley Wild, takes the classic Hollywood staple of a
man’s personal development derailed by a boorish childhood friend
holding him back to a brilliantly subversive level; what if a lonely
young boy made a Christmas wish that his teddy bear would come alive,
and then what happens 27 years later when they’re all grown up?
Fart jokes, mostly, between bong hits, F-words
and repeated references to acts of sexual depravity.
Bizarre non-sequiturs, allusions to pop culture
of the 70s and 80s and choice cameos. It’s the story of a man and his
sentient non-human companion living the life of Reilly, while his
wet-blanket other half (Mila Kunis bumped up from the role of Meg to
Lois, only this time named Lori) puts up with it all in the name of
love.
Was I expecting something else?
Yes, frankly, I was.
MacFarlane is a shrewd and brilliant satirist
who has, across his animated canon of Family Guy, American Dad
and The
Cleveland Show, lampooned American and, more
significantly, entertainment culture in perfect execution.
His writing, voice acting and direction on
television have provided moments of surrealism, escapism and hilarity,
while continuing to shock and appal audiences with ballsy
no-holds-barred humour. This is the man who wrote an episode of Family
Guy about its female lead becoming a surrogate mother, then aborting the
baby when the biological parents die in a car crash.
Ted, rated 16, thinks it can get by purely by
replacing the more audacious aspects of MacFarlane’s animated personae
with cursing and sex jokes.
What is initially crude and shockingly rude
very quickly becomes crude and shockingly rudimentary, the film
following the kind of asinine arc that even 14 year-olds who sneak in
will have seen a thousand times before.
Will Mark Wahlberg’s John, the straight man who
loves letting Ted get him into trouble, learn a lesson about maturity
when his actions knowingly go against the specific agreements he’s made
with Lori?
Will there be wildly broad jokes at the expense
of racial and sexual stereotypes? Are all the best jokes in the
trailer? You betcha.
The film is an overly long episode of Family
Guy, and a weaker one at that. What works in animation plods along in
live action.
The supporting cast, admittedly with the
exception of one fantastic cameo that flashes with retro pastiche, are
largely forgotten.
Community’s Joel McHale, a cult star in his own
right, barely features as Lori’s lecherous boss and is mostly left
flailing about on screen with yet another fart joke.
Much has been written of the fantastic CGI
rendering and motion capture performance of Ted – but a puppet would
have been easier, and as recently seen in The Muppets, funnier.
That Ted started out as the framework for
another animated sitcom should come as no surprise; MacFarlane has
cornered the market of man and talking creature comedy since 1999. Stick
with the Family Guy boxset instead.
